Confused!

Yeah,just watched the news today,and tomorrow we had a holiday because of the haze.I suppose to be happy though....because I could get off my mind with this something.But before I could get happy,I'am....I'am confused!

It all happens 2 weeks ago.There's this girl.Well,she always need my help.Like,ALWAYS!!! She tried to be innocent and all,batting her eyelashes and twirling her hair (err,actually,it's not like twirling,it's like...umm)

AH! WHATEVER!

The problem is....she always need my help,and that makes me irritated and tired myself.But at the same time,I have to hold my mission : "helping people who were in need".

I DO LOVE to help people,but I never felt this way.I don't know if she's using me as her tool,or I don't know if I exist just when she NEED my help.And I have two mood here :

-good
-bad

The good thing is,I DO help her,and thanked her and all.Even help her with maths a bit.The bad thing is,some of things that I help her wasn't like you know,being forced and kind of didn't appreciate it.

I'am not saying the girl is bad,but I'am not saying the girl is good too.She do have this cute side of her,but deep down,I knew she had problems,deep inside her.She can be a pessimist sometimes,but always cover that up and try to sell her advice to others who had problem LIKE HER!

She gave me a warm water in a mug last friday when she saw that I look pale,weak and tired.Then,she carried a box of snacks for us to share.She gave me a manga magazine as my birthday,she gave me a box of crystallised apple and she....she was very kind.I don't want to lose her! I don't want her OTHER side to swallow her up and she became....became negative so suddenly.

I don't want to be bad either.But these days,when someone commands me to do something,or wanted help from me...I get irritated easily! I sigh a lot! I shrug a lot! I frowned a lot! As if I'am a depressed person.Like I need medicine to calm me.Like...I have mental problems or something.I don't know.

Lately,when I go to school I didn't feel the energy to chat with my friends,to study which I love,to eat like always,to go to the mosque and pray together with my friends....and I don't have the energy to face the teachers.As if there's a trigger inside me...about to switch me into NEGATIVE!

"NO! I HATE NEGATIVE!" that's what I thought.I tried to shrug it off but when my best friends came to cheer up,like laughing like usual,have boys talk,have first term year school talk,talking about the past,I absolutely aren't HAPPY or EXCITED like usual at all.

I was always wondering,what happened to me? where's my other past? I look around,observing.Let me try to give you names (fake of course) as for this diary.

-Jure : had been forcing me to do novel a lot! making me stressed,and a bit...iritated (which I never been that way,and kind of worried when I be like that)
-Ernice : (the girl I talk about).Always and always need my help,which puts a bit of resposibilities on my shoulders thus making me stressed a lot,and tired a lot.So,when I'am tired,it automitically changes my trigger into NEGATIVE!
-Alice : i don't know,but she became more annoying day by day.There's a day,I give her a present,but she accidentally left that present right in front of me! like she didn't appreciate my present.Feeling angry in the inside,I took the present she 'accidentally' left and keep it to myself.Fine,I know my present is cheap and all,but you didn't have to left it on purpose IN FRONT of me.I shrugged it off when I think something that I should never thought.
-Hermion/Katniss : Okay,these girls haven't did a lot of trouble,but....tried a little too hard.They don't care about my 'negative trigger'.So,they always cheer me up,like pretending everything is normal.They laugh and chat with me like usual,but I always gave the answer "hm? yes? oh! yeah!" the same usual reaction,so they kind of worried. (okay,this part is not included)

So yeah,all of these girls that were in the list is all my best friends.

I know....I know probably NO ONE will read it,but I hope my feelings reach them because I don't want to talk about it at all!

They probably worried about me....like...Lisa told me I've been slacking off lately (which is not me).Ernice said I always in bad mood (which is not me too).Hermione and Katniss told me you're always in bad mood,what happened? (which is of course not too!)

So I was worried.Last week after I went home on Monday,I was mad! Mad at the whole family! I was doing my novel then my lil bro catch up with me and said 'wanna catch some video games?' he asked politely.But....I failed as a sister.Since my brother left to live at boarding school,it is now my responsibility in taking care of my lil bro.But when he asked me to play some video games,I rudely answered.

"SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE! I'AM BUSY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'AM BUSY!" I yelled.Then,my mom came into my room and asked about the JL fest I'am going.

" So,are you going with the bus?"

I rudely answered, "OF COURSE! THEN WHAT? FLYING IN THE AIR?!" I answered,and gave a frown face.I know mom was shocked for a bit but then she left.Then,my father came and angry about it.

" WHY DID YOU TELL MOM LIKE THAT? SHE ASKED YOU POLITELY!" he yelled.I was about to cry.I was lifting up books that time.These thoughts came into my mind when my father yelled that :

"leave me alone...no one understands me....no one really cares about me.I just exist when someone needs my help.I'am just a tool.I wanted to be a doctor....but at the same time...I'am just a tool that cures people.Leave me alone...as if you understand....EVERYONE PUT A PRESSURE ON ME! EVERYONE NEED MY HELP! EVERYONE SAID 'I'AM LEAVING THIS TO YOU AND THAT' AND ALL! WHY! WHY IN THE WORLD-" and bla2.But of course I said that in my mind so in reality I answered simple,,but a bit sarcastic.

"Yeah,yeah...I don't even know it's THAT harsh" I said.Dad was a bit...red there.Red because he's angry.He left but I know I act rudely,because I slam the door.I clenched a fist and was about to cry.The books on the table was all thrown at the wall.

"I was lonely...after all of this...where's my real friends? my primary friends...they were changing...even my new best friends....was changing" I thought.

I realised....I was the one changing.Maybe Jure asked me as usual to continue my novel...but I got mad in the inside and slack off...making HER mad instead...Ernice probably really need my help...but I'am the one who's lazy to help people as if I'am not motivated like usual any more....Hermione and Katniss cheered me up,but I always took them down....as answer their questions like 'yeah,oh,hm,yes,no' simple as that.

I became so dizzy lately,I became so weak,I don't talk much,I hate studying lately,I hate my tutor lately...I have no appetite lately,and I...I became to distance myself with others lately.What happened to me? I don't care...I don't care if I will going to die.I'am alredy prepared for it anyway.Life is cruel,but they can just be good sometimes.But far in words,I think I lose myself already.Somewhere beyond life....which is...I felt like I'am already dead....after being NOT MYSELF.

I'am worried.I love my best friends.I don't want to lose them.But instead,I lose myself...and spreading whole....I lose my own best friends...my own primary school best friends and my family.

Just because I'am the only one changing.

Please....just for once....will you guys understand my feelings? and answer me somehow? is this a selfish request?

I love you all...I love you....but...I'am the one who is changing,declaring myself that you guys are changing.I'am so selfish...after all.

P/S : I cant' believe I'am crying right now in the middle of the night.I'am sorry....I'am sorry if I'am just too selfish..